2007:
When I met my ex, he was a charmer. He knew what to say to women and how to behave so he could get what he wanted. I fell for the person he pretended to be; someone who cared for me. A few months into the relationship I became pregnant even though I was on birth control. I eventually moved into my ex’s mom’s house for a few months while we saved money for a place of our own. We found a 2 bedroom apartment that was in our budget and moved. At first my ex was kind and helpful, but then as I grew bigger his demeanor started to change. He was constantly putting me down for not being able to do everything his mother would do for him, which was be a maid. I eventually got tired of hearing that I needed to take care of the home and the children, while working full-time hours, and stood up for myself by pointing out the lack of help from him. To avoid doing things at home, my ex spent most of his spare time with his cousin at his cousin’s apartment to smoke and drink. I was frustrated with the lack of help and would comment on his time spent at his cousin’s apartment, however it didn’t faze him.
He started going for longer periods of time. After months of questioning the relationship and his loyalty to me, he told me that every other weekend he was going to the strip club with the “guys” from his cousin’s work. I asked him to please refrain from lap dances and anything else that could jeopardize my health while I was pregnant. He insisted on getting them anyway because in his eyes as long as he didn’t touch them, it wasn’t cheating. I was not happy about this and cried every night he was gone. Closer toward the end of my pregnancy he started to stay home more, but I knew it wasn’t for me and only to put on a show.
After my daughter was born, he was a little more helpful while I was recovering and breastfeeding, but after a couple of weeks his attitude toward me changed. He would tell me daily that I needed to get a job right away or else he was going to leave me and take the kids, so out of fear I found a job as soon as possible. As a result of that my breastfeeding term came to an end and I lost out on the ability to fully nurse my daughter. I obtained an epigasteric hernia as a result of going to work before I could heal from being pregnant and needed it repaired with mesh.
2008:
I started noticing the distance from my ex and I questioned it. He swore up and down that everything was fine even though when I was home, he wasn’t. I found out through the web browser history on the computer that he was on a dating site regularly and had been for a couple of months. I confronted him about it and he used the excuse that he “forgot” to delete his account. I then installed a key logger on our computer and by doing so I was able to read conversations between him and this girl that he was talking dirty to. I was shocked to learn that this other girl was someone he had met through his cousin’s girlfriend. He swore up and down he didn't cheat and insisted that I should just drop it. He found out I spoke to this girl and kicked the kids and I to the curb. So we went to his mom’s house and lived with her temporarily while i started looking for my own place. Her son got wind of this and begged for me to come back so we went on a day trip to try and talk things out. He convinced me he would change and we reconciled. We then moved back into his parent’s home to save money and buy a house.
2009:
We had finally managed to save up enough money to buy a house. It was a fixer upper, but it was a home. I learned that I had not established credit for them to approve me for the mortgage loan and so my ex made the decision to keep my name off the deed as well. He told me he could add my name later, but he never did despite me saving for half of the down payment. I managed to find a job close by within the first week of moving there. My ex demanded I give him all of my pay for the bills and mortgage payments and only gave me enough for buying groceries. He eventually turned back into someone who expected me to do it all without his help. He expected me to have the house spotless at all times, laundry done at all times, dishes done at all times, I mostly did the grocery shopping, I was the one caring for the children majority of the time, on top of working a full-time job. At one point, he referred to his responsibility as a parent to watch the children as babysitting, and said that it wasn’t his job when I was home to look after them. He started making it a nightly ritual to go online and play video games while drinking beer, at times I would come home to him drunk while there are two children under the age of 5 in the home. I would remind him that in the event of an emergency he would be charged for not being sober around such young minors. He said that it was nonsense and continued to do so anyway knowing I would be home every night, and knowing he could manipulate the story if I were to call it in to the authorities. He was always one step ahead of me it seemed.
Around Thanksgiving the distance grew again and I had my suspicions of him being unfaithful. He was always flirting with this girl online when they played video games. I was curious about them exchanging numbers but then thought nothing of it because this girl had a boyfriend and lived in another province. One night, after I got home from work, my ex had left his conversation open with this girl and it was anything but appropriate. I confronted him and he got very mean verbally toward me, I tried to leave but he stood in my way. I tried to push past him by crouching and he pushed me hard enough to fall down the stairs and hit my head. I told him I was calling the cops on him and he took away my cell phone and my keys by going into my purse. I tried to leave to go to the neighbors but he restrained me and sat on me in the kitchen, I started to scream for help and he covered my mouth. I kneed him in the between the legs to try to escape and he hit the left side of my face and my ear started ringing. I started crying and for a moment he felt remorse and got off of me. I went into the bathroom to see my face and he followed me to continue the argument. I told him I didn’t want to talk to him anymore and he got angry. He then pushed me into the wall and started yelling at me, spitting in my face. I crouched down to get away from him and he forced me onto the floor. He sat on me once again and was yelling at me, this time he sat down far enough to restrain my legs, so I screamed for help. He was scared that someone would hear me so covered my mouth again but this time covered my nose as well limiting my air intake. My only defense was to try and get him off me by freeing my arms he pinned under his knees. I have never had any upper body strength and knew I had no chance against someone almost 80 lbs heavier. So out of desperation I pulled at his shirt to get him off of me and accidentally scratched his back. I eventually managed to get away and run out of the house to my neighbors. I called the police and returned to the house to make sure my children were okay. Moments after returning home his parents showed up to take my children to their home and I wanted to go with them. They stood in the doorway saying that I was being hysterical and continued to side with my ex despite not knowing what transpired. I went to the basement to escape them, and my ex and his parents followed me blocking me from escaping while threatening to take my children from me. I told them I wanted to go with my children and get away from the abuse. They wouldn't let me leave and out of a moment of desperation to escape I punched a window.
The police eventually showed up and asked his parents questions first and then took my ex’s statement. After they saw the scratch marks on his back they immediately formed an opinion about me and didn’t believe anything I said to them. Told me they couldn't see anything wrong with my face after I spoke about him pushing me down the stairs and striking my face. I wanted to press charges and they told me that if I pressed charges, he would press charges, and then my kids would see their parents taken away in handcuffs and they advised me that wasn’t a good thing for them to see. So I agreed with them and they left.
My ex’s stepdad offered me a ride to the hospital so that I could have my wound on my hand stitched up. I explained to the nurse that I sustained my injury trying to escape my ex and she referred me to the domestic assault center so I could be documented with photographs. After my wounds and bruises were documented, I walked home from the hospital. I still had a constant ringing in my left ear where I was hit. I was about two blocks away from home when I was made fun of by some boys in a black pick-up truck accusing me of being a drug addict while they threw things at me. I called the police and reported them for what they did, explained how I was just abused by my ex and gave them the vehicle description along with the plate number. The police managed to track them down and report the behavior to the parents of the boys. I was never apologized to by anyone for what happened.
As a result of not having anywhere to go I moved back with my ex to try and co-parent.
2010: In the new year, things appeared to be going well and I didn't give much thought to the events that took place previously. I thought that he had changed as he was on his best behavior for a while. As time passed he became less and less content with my ability to do every little thing he assumed to be my sole responsibility: Cleaning, cooking, looking after the children, tending to his needs, working a full-time job, looking after doctors appointments and everything else you can think of that has been bestowed as a "woman's" job before women started working. It was absurd and I would state my frustration with him not helping as much as he could. His excuse was that he worked full-time and was tired daily because of how physically demanding his job was. At that time I was also working full-time as a Supervisor at Tim Horton's and my job was both physically and mentally draining, however that didn't have any merit when it came to my role at home.
Later in the year he and his mother had an argument and he refused her access to her grandchildren out of spite. One day my ex received a phone call from his mother while he was at work and she said to him that she hoped he was happy with what he has done and that she had just taken a cocktail of pills and that he would have to live with it for the rest of his life. He immediately contacted the police and an ambulance arrived and was able to aid in stopping her suicide attempt. His mother was then institutionalized for psychiatric evaluation and the doctors were faulting the medications she was on prior to the event which apparently caused her to lash out and attempt to take her own life.
During his mother's healing period in the psych ward we were very supportive and visited as often as we could. My ex and her were able to re-establish their relationship but not to the extent it was at before. His mother made a new friend at the psych ward and often referred to him as the son she never had in a sense by stating that her son destroyed their relationship with his actions. After she was released from the psych ward, I instigated many opportunities for her to spend time with her grandchildren and I. She would tell me that I was like the daughter she never had and she started to share personal things with me from her past. She would elaborate on how her father was a drunk and would abuse her mother, she elaborated on how her brother, sister, and their friends took her to a tree-house and would allow the boys to do things to her. She also mentioned how she got her son's biological father drunk and took advantage of the situation by having him sign custody rights to her because she lied to him about the documents he was signing. She stated that her son's father was a drunk throughout the course of their relationship and that he became violent with her when she was carrying her son. She appeared to have felt good about manipulating things to get what she wanted. Her and I would shop together every month to the point of it being weekly at times because she would ask me to drive her places when her back was prohibiting her from doing so herself. I drove her vehicles, I helped her with chores at her home when she needed help, I befriended her and looked at her as a motherly figure in my life because she was constantly offering her support to me, knowing what her son was like and was doing behind closed doors. She would reassure me that things would get better and I believed her. She coerced me to believe I was depressed and the cause of what had transpired between her son and I. She told me to go with her to a walk-in clinic and told me the name of a drug to ask for stating I had taken it previously for my mental health and the doctor prescribed it without evidence. It made me feel numb after a.hile and I knew it wasn't okay to just go along with it for her son's sake.
2011:
As the children grew older my ex started to be harder on them, expecting them to understand adult issues. He was especially hard on my son and my ex’s mother started to notice it. She would always stand up for my son when my ex was being a bully. Eventually my ex lost his temper on his mom in front of the children and me and then he proceeded to pin her to her own couch while they screamed at each other. He left marks on her arms from holding her too tightly and alienated her from the children and me. I didn’t agree with it and continued to visit her against his demands. He found out and told me to pack my things, the kid’s things, and leave. I told his mom that he was kicking me and the kids out as a result of me not siding with him. She took us into her home and helped me get into my own place. I was happy and excited to be out on my own with the children; away from my ex’s temper.
2012:
Court proceedings had started early in the year with respect to custody, access and child support thanks to my ex trying to makegood on his threats. My ex knew he had no grounds for getting sole custody so he manipulated me to believing that he had gone for help and wanted to be a better person. We reconciled and I moved back into the house. After moving into the house, my ex proceeded to tell me that he was still friends with women he fooled around with during our separation. I didn’t agree with it and said I don’t have to be friends with them and that he shouldn’t force me to. He got angry and insisted on fighting with me even though he was heading off to work, he escalated the argument very quickly by following me into the living room and pinning me to the couch. I started to yell for help and he covered my mouth and sat on me. I tried to get away to call the police but he took away my cell phone and my keys. I then managed to grab the home phone and called 911. He took the phone from me as the operator answered and said I was being hysterical. The police arrived, heard both sides, and said that it would be best for me to leave since my name wasn't on the deed, and the kids were okay to be looked after by his parents for a shirt while. He then reconciled with me as his parents did not want to care for the children all the time while he was working. Later in the year my ex wanted to experiment with our relationship and tried to convince me to indulge in something I didn’t want to do. As a result, we started arguing about it and he said that if I didn’t agree with it, he would kick me out of the house and take everything from me and I believed him because of the fact that law enforcement never charged him for assaulting me and his mom would be financing him in court.
2013:
We traveled roughly 4 hours out of town to make some "new friends" which he told me were old friends from highschool. We had been talking to them for a while and decided to meet up with them and stay at their home for the night. That night we had indulged in some alcohol and I accidentally grabbed him the wrong way by his arm to ask him to comesit with me. I apologized, however he was convinced it wasn’t an accident. Because I didn’t agree with him, he woke up our children around 1 a.m. yelled at them and loaded them and their stuff into the car, and threatened to leave me behind.
He was drunk. So I climbed into the car in hopes of stopping him from harming the kids. He opened the passenger door, pushed me out of the car, and attempted to drive away. I kicked the side of the car as many times as possible to make noise so people would hear and call the police. He made it onto the road, but as I stood up and proceeded toward his friend’s house, he gunned it at me as if to run me over and stopped only inches from my body. He was about to let me in the car but then put it in reverse as if to drive off. I proceeded toward the house and he gunned it at me almost hitting me again with the car. His friends came to the door and advised me they called the police. The police arrived and assessed the situation, told my ex that he was intoxicated and needed to sleep it off. So he agreed to behave, sent the kids back to bed, and pretended all was well with his friends.
As soon as we went to bed, on separate couches, he started to argue about what happened earlier. I apologized again as it was an accident. He was enraged with me for not agreeing to his delusion that it was intentional and came over to the couch I was laying on, sat on me, and started choking me saying he was going to kill me and bury me in his friends back yard and no one would ever know. His friends heard the commotion and called the police again. This time two officers arrived and an ambulance. I was assessed and questioned, and my ex was charged with two accounts of aggravated domestic assault.
After spending an entire night being videotaped and questioned by authorities, I was able to go home. My ex was not allowed to come near me or the house we lived in and was forced to reside with family. As a result of this, court proceedings started again. He knew that he was not going to be granted custody of the children after the stunt he pulled. So he convinced his mother that he was getting help for his anger through Christian counseling services, and she in turn was convinced he loved me and was truly sorry for his actions.
She came and spoke with me to see where I stood with her son. I told her I was done with the relationship and that I was proceeding with everything regardless. She mentioned this to her son and he then was fearful of “losing me.” So he came to the house against the restraining order, pleaded with me to forgive him, cried and got down on his knees and made a promise to change as he placed a ring on my finger. I fell for it, moved into his parents place, had the restraining order lifted, and wrote a letter on his behalf to the judge that was determining his fate. I was manipulated to say the least so that he could benefit from the reconciliation. I was told I had to write the letter and take responsibility for what happened that night despite it not being any fault of mine.
2014:
My ex was caught on a dating site again by a mutual friend and she forwarded the conversation to me. I confronted him about it and he said that I wasn’t meeting his sexual needs. I asked if he cheated and he denied cheating. I asked if there was anything that could be done, he said no and insisted on breaking up with me. I told him that I would look for another place then for the kids and I to move to. He didn’t agree that the kids should be with me and got angry. He became very confrontational that night and insisted on fighting with me while kicking my stomach at one point to get me away from where he was sitting. The following day I contacted his parole officer and told her about the situation. She said because of the past it would be best to re-instate the no contact order and so I did. I then received a message from his mother before my shift at work was finished telling me she wanted me and my things gone that night. I went to get my things with an escort, my ex kept the kids from me and because I had none of my court documents showing that he was to be supervised they forced me to leave them with him, unsupervised, against previous orders of a judge. Once I located the document I called the police and asked for assistance in retrieving my kids from him. However that was not successful as the police assistance on the order had expired.
I had to rescue my children 5 days after being alienated from them by picking them up from school and withdrawing them and instating them into a school close to where I was residing at the time. I soon found out from a judge that what I did was wrong, and had to re-instate them in the school they were attending. The judge then granted joint custody and we settled out of court to a domestic contract as per the recommendation of a children's lawyer who listened to the wishes of my ex and his mother.
2015:
My ex continuously harassed me through text messages accusing me of things with respect to my ability to parent my children. He interrogated my children to a point where they just agree with him out of fear of his anger. He was advised by a child protection worker that he wasn’t allowed to ask the children questions about adult issues. He put his hands on my son and I went back to court fighting for their protection as they no longer have their grandparents in their home to monitor his outbursts. I was in this till the end for my children and I pray to get the help they desperately need after requesting an order to be made that they attend counseling because my ex will not agree to it otherwise; because according to him he didn’t abuse me or them. That order was granted and some light was shed on his behavior.
2016:
I was still in court fighting for my children to have a peaceful, abuse free life. I still had joint custody with my ex who initially was contesting it to seek sole custody but had changed his mind to keep things status quo with attempting to impute income onto me so he can get out of arrears in child support. Little does he know he can not impute an income on to me because I was in College last year which caused an increase in his child support and that didn’t reflect till this year because the system goes by income taxes from the previous year. The lawyer I had previously decided to try to get me to settle and agree to this imputed income while my ex would not agree to a dispute resolution clause that would hold the party who is being unreasonable financially responsible for court costs if proceedings were to begin again. I can say that I did not bow down to his demands and I no longer agree to keeping things status quo because of the fact that my children simply are not in a caring, loving environment while in his care every other week.
When they left my home they would shake and cry because they knew they were going to be subjected to more abuse at his home. He had become so good at hiding abuse that he resorted to mental abuse and bullying my children.
I continued fighting for them, for their inner peace to be restored in court without legal representation. The fact that the authorities who are there to help decide to not get involved in protecting the children even though my ex has been charged with 2 counts of aggravated domestic assault against me baffles me. They tell me it’s because my actions appear malicious and vindictive due to being in family court even though my children are the ones requesting help. I felt like this would never end because of how faulty our systems are.
I no longer have a lawyer and was seeking pro bono help because my previous lawyer insisted on trying to get me to settle even though the whole mess of things is because of my ex. It was almost as if she was working for him, With that being said I will leave a review about this lawyer.
*Update* I had been dealing with things my self for a while and that was extremely overwhelming. I was having panic attacks, anxiety, and bouts of depression just thinking about the amount of things I needed to have done within a specified time period as a result of the last Judge we had seen. The lady who was the acting Judge that day was very opinionated without knowing the facts. First she found fault with the way my ex had informally wrote his pleadings on lined paper, not formatted properly, and it was mostly incomplete sentences and in point form. She refused to allow either of us to speak and made orders that I agree with, however, she had the audacity to say that legally she had more parental authority over my children than either myself or my ex had and that if she really wanted to she could have them apprehended and placed into foster care.
I tried to request a transcript from that hearing to bring it to the tribunal's attention as this woman was not acting professionally, she based her opinions off whatever she chose to gather from the lack of materials and evidence brought before her, and she had no right to make informal orders without allowing me to elaborate that some of the orders she made were already in place because I had taken the steps prior to the hearing for my children to have things in place to help them understand things they have seen in the past and present.
Recently, my children had disclosed events to myself and other individuals that has peaked the interest of child protection services to stay involved and see that things are being followed that my ex claims he will continue to do. There have been reports of domestic violence at his residence and there is an eye witness who has seen the police attend on more than one occasion. One day I decided to pick up my children after school on his Monday as they both were expressing fear of him and stated they were afraid to go to his house.
The following day, I received a phone call from the principal of their school informing me that my ex had been vulgar with him and that the children's grandfather would be picking them up half an hour early from school even though the children stated that they wanted to go home with me.
Something wasn't sitting well with me that evening and I wanted to go and speak to my children at my ex's home. My boyfriend at that time and I drove to his home and I requested to speak to my children when his Fiance answered the door, he immediately came to the door and said "No! Call the cops!" I said "Okay" and then he slammed the door in my face.
My boyfriend at the time noticed a neighbor standing outside across the way and went over to talk to him. That's when we were informed that there was more than one domestic violence event at my ex's home between him and his fiance. The two of them exchanged numbers and then we left while waiting for the police to assist.
After we returned and the police arrived, I told them what was going on and that I wanted to check on the well being of my children. The police then went inside my ex's home.
In the mean time, my ex's mother and aunt show up. They get out of the vehicle and immediately start marching over to me cursing at me and showing signs of being aggravated. My boyfriend at that time saw the hostility and positioned himself between them and me, told me to get in the truck, and locked the doors. I then witnessed my ex's mother and aunt try and convince my boyfriend at that time that he would be better off without me, and he looked at them and told them to "F. Off!" well, that didn't go over too well as he was threatened by my ex's aunt and mother. When I saw this my instinct was to get out of the truck and get help and that's what I intended to do.
I was able to bang on my ex's door and get the attention of the attending officers who then questioned every one involved and then decided not to lay any charges because apparently pushing someone isn't a chargeable offense. My boyfriend and I left after realizing the police were not impressed and didn't see the situation as an urgency nor a threat toward myself and my boyfriend at the time. One of the officers attempted to point me in the direction of legal aid and the family law information center but I promptly let him know I have utilized those resources and then left.
The police in this city apparently do not take cases of abuse seriously unless you're bleeding out fighting for your life.
Thankfully with the help of an advocate at victim services in my home town, I was able to get funding for my children and I to get psychotherapy so we can start healing the PTSD and anxiety we suffer from.
2017: I eventually was awarded sole custody but the children still have to see him more often than they prefer. I will rey to get this changed after some time passes and they express things to me again that are concerning in nature. I doubt he has changed at all with respect to how he treats my children. I'm still confused why he was even given shared custody of my son who he didn't adopt and isn't the biological father of. That will ways be a mistery to me.
