Recently with the help of therapy I have been able to establish coping techniques and heal some of my past memories through EMDR. I didn't know EMDR existed and I strongly recommend it to anyone who is suffering from PTSD and anxiety. I have tried 3 different types of medication through my family doctor and after the effects kicked in, each time I felt like an emotionless zombie. So I stopped taking the pills. I do not believe that these medications really help people the way that people need help in order to heal. These medications mask the problems and cause many adverse side effects that can't be good for people in general and usually when a side effect kicks in, there's another pill to take to mask that issue and so forth and so on. I am now starting to understand how the pharma industry has created a lot of recurring income and is able to offer physicians these kickbacks for selling their products to patients. I know I said selling but essentially that's what they are doing when they write you a prescription; the creators of the drug and administers get paid every time someone has a prescription to be filled.
Through the 4 sessions I have undergone thus far with my therapist I realized that I lost who I was. I had repressed so many hurtful things in my life that with each blow, the pain became less and less of a burden because I didn't ever address my feelings. I came from a broken family and I knew I didn't want that life for my children. I think in some way I stayed with the abuser because I didn't want to have them in a situation similar to my childhood. I didn't realize the emotional damage that staying in the abusive relationship had on my children because of what they witnessed and/or heard. I can now say that I should have stayed away regardless of the promises that were whispered to me through the hisses of a snake.
I had forgotten about the things that made me happy and proud of who I am. I had stopped drawing, singing, dancing, playing music, working out, and socializing. These things I missed dearly and yet I was oblivious to my own desires because my mind was so focused on repressing everything, even my own happiness and joys. I realized that many people I had thought were my friends I had lost along the way by being so consumed with repressing all the negative feelings I had. I had no energy for anything else it seemed. My attention was no longer present when it came to maintaining friendships as I was usually the one at home taking care of the majority of things including the children, while my ex would get to enjoy his free time often playing video games, socializing outside the home, and drinking. It was a very dark time in my life that I now can reflect on with my therapist and heal my feelings associated with those memories.
I have made a vow to myself since then to never be the person I became to suit the needs of others (to say the least). I decided to start going to my uncles gym and do boot camp classes, which I know I will be sore from for a while at first, but it is something I enjoy doing with other people knowing that we are all there to better something about our selves. I will be dancing more often and singing whenever possible as these things make me feel happy. I will be continuing with my art and looking to expand my abilities perhaps through some courses for intermediate artists so I can develop my skill and use it to my full potential. I will be updating this post after a while; doing these activities and finishing the healing process with the therapist I see at this time. I look forward to seeing the progress I have made. However, I look forward to finding myself again the most.
*Update: It has been about a month since I published this post and I must say I am truly amazed with the outcome of EMDR therapy so far. I have become comfortable thinking about the devastating incident that occurred in January of 2013 knowing that I did everything I could possibly do to prevent my ex from driving drunk with my children in the back of the car. I am thankful that with my persistence in engaging him to want to harm me for standing up for my children, I was able to prevent him from travelling to London from Newmarket (which is over 200 km) while under the influence of alcohol. I realize that even though I couldn't get them to get out of the car for their safety because of my ex yelling at them to stay in the car (when it was parked) I was at least able to get them inside to safety regardless of the outcome of the police attending and not realizing the possible harm that could have come from him attempting to flee with the children in the car while he was under the influence of alcohol. The next PTSD memory that we will be working on is me being manipulated by my ex and his mother back into the relationship after that incident so that my ex and his mother could coerce me into typing a letter up to alleviate his sentence (undermining the severity of his actions) and allow him to fake a relationship with me for as long as necessary for the courts to consider it anything but a manipulation (which he and his mother were advised to do by his defense attorney to help him get the best possible outcome in family and criminal court). I have yet to take time for myself to join my uncle's Gym and start working on my artistic abilities, however, I plan to engage in these activities very soon.
