Phase One: Control
Entering into a new relationship can be quite the challenge sometimes, especially if one person starts to become controlling. Often they will control the finances, limit the friends you have in your life, and make you feel bad about your family. They will give you ultimatums forcing you to choose between your friends/family and your lover. Sadly, if you are a vulnerable person who is afraid of ending up alone, you might succumb to these demands and shut yourself in from the rest of the world. Sometimes you’ll even continue to see friends and family and just make things up as to what you’ve been doing with your time when the other party isn’t present. If it is found out that you have been in contact with anyone that is “forbidden” the arguing will begin as you will try and stand up for what you think is right and the other person will demand that you not speak to or visit these people anymore. The other person will in fact go to great lengths to try and see if you’ve disobeyed them or not just to keep you in fear, and to keep control over you. If you try and stand up for yourself you better be prepared for a battle not only against the other person, but with your friends and family who may be questioning why you’re distant more than usual.
Phase Two: Verbal Attacks
Sure, couples argue. It would be a lie to say that people don’t disagree on things from time to time. However, there is a huge difference between minor arguments, and ones that turn into malicious, hateful, verbal attacks. When there is a power struggle in a relationship, usually the aggressor feels they are losing the upper hand. Often there are rude comments and name calling that go along with these feelings because the aggressor wants to lower the other person's self-esteem. You see with lowering the other person's self-esteem the that person will then start to doubt themselves and the aggressor will gain the upper hand once again in all decision making. The aggressor may even so much as apologize for their behavior at first, but then slowly revert back into being a hateful person should the non-violent person show any sign of confidence. The aggressor will use things against the other person that are to the extreme, even so much as threatening to take things away. Eventually, the verbal attacks will become too much for the non-violent and they will pull the plug on the relationship. A few weeks may go by if not months, however, the aggressor who feels like they lost their little puppet will come crawling back, merciful, apologetic, and may even shed a few tears saying things like “I’m sorry, I messed up. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I don’t want to lose you.” At this point the sympathetic non-violent person falls for the aggressor showing them a bit of their emotions and the non-violent person is now vulnerable and not thinking logically which usually leads to them accepting the aggressor back into their life.
Phase Three: Physical Attacks
After getting back into the relationship the first few weeks may seem to be “perfect.” Neither the person in the relationship wants to argue because things are going so well. However, it’s only a matter of time before the power struggle will start again. After, what’s known as the honeymoon phase, is over, the couple will usually go right back to the same situation they were in before they separated. This time things become more physical. Things escalate quickly from verbal attacks to physical ones, and more times than not, the non-violent person is the one on the receiving end. At this point the relationship should be over and the aggressor should be the one getting charged, however that isn’t always the case. Sometimes there are children in the home of which both parties want the best for, and often that includes wanting their children to come from an undivided family. Most of the time this is because the parties came from homes that are divided and they know how devastating that can be for a child to go through. Regardless of wanting the best for your children and thinking that things will get better, the sad truth is that things almost never get better and the children are the ones that suffer.
Now after reading and relating to some if not all of what I have mentioned above, I have included a cycle of abuse chart for you to observe.
Phase Four: Getting Help
At this point you may asking yourself:
1) What do I do next?
2) Where do I go?
3) Who can I turn to for help?
The first step, if you feel you are at imminent risk, is to create a safety plan for yourself and children. You will need to plan to leave the home when the abuser is not present, and go somewhere the abuser won’t come looking for you. Make sure that you know where you can go first and if there isn’t a safe place among friends and family, you must seek safety at a women’s shelter.
If you don’t know where a shelter is you may want to grab a phone book, if you have one, and search for a women’s/Men's crisis line.
The best I can provide is a toll free number I stumbled upon online that says it’s a National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233.
If your children are old enough to understand what to do if they hear someone hurting their mommy/daddy, you may want to educate them to call 911 and tell the operator someone is hurting mommy/daddy. If you are afraid your child may become a victim you can also advise them to run outside and yell fire! That tends to get people’s attention quicker than a child yelling for help.
Understand that you are not alone when these events take place. They are often dismissed and over looked by law enforcement, especially if you're not showing any signs of being injured at the time of their arrival. Sometimes you will have to find somewhere to go on your own and that is okay. There is help out there for victims of domestic violence. The first step toward helping yourself will always be the hardest but you deserve to help yourself and you should never feel ashamed for someone else's choice to be violent toward you. You deserve to be happy.
